I’m introducing a new category of writing that I am going to call “Baring My Soul” where I share a personal piece of my life’s journey in an effort to do my part in maintaining connection because… when we share our stories, we let someone know that they are not alone.
“Sometimes I feel like I’ll never know masculine intimacy or romantic love in the way that my feminine depth craves it.” I did some freewriting this week, wrote that, and shared it with a friend. Her response was “sometimes speaking those fears takes away their power.” So here I am.
I have been single for almost a year now, and it has been difficult for me in moments. I have found myself deeply craving the affection and intimacy of a masculine presence, but not just any masculine energy though - the right kind for me. I’m vulnerable enough to admit that I don’t know what that fully means in this moment, but I do know that I am committed to finding out. I also know that I am a piece of feminine energy that desires connection to a masculine presence - emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually (I’ll break this down in another writing one day - I promise).
Men lust after me often; I’m not unattractive, I’m pretty cool, and my spirit dope. Some men are really interested in getting to know me, and frankly, I have little to no interest in getting to know them. Having to consider and experience so many factors while single makes me feel like I should make peace with the fact that masculine intimacy will no longer be a part of my life’s journey. The previous sentence makes me chuckle and hella grateful that our feelings are not facts. Our feelings are valid. Our feelings are real. But facts they are not. I’m equally as grateful that our feelings are temporary and when I’m really on my shit and in my bag I know how to say some version of, “Kaila, this feeling is going to pass but in the meantime, what can you learn from it? How can you grow or be better from what this feeling is bringing up in you?”
Being single comes with its shares of glows (ups) and grows (downs) as does maintaining a committed relationship or marriage. We have to constantly remind ourselves of this so that we are not carelessly or hastily trying to a fill a void with someone when we are single, and so that when we are a part of a committed relationship or marriage, we do not blindly or unintentionally break that bond. I want to end with this - I try to share with any committed or married couple I encounter the importance of maintaining the connection that you share with a partner because connections can be weakened and lost over time for various reasons, but when the courage and will are present to repair or reestablish that connection… its the most beautiful thing.
Much love.